In a recent Facebook post “Processes to go through with your parents before they die,” Daniel Schmachtenberger, founder of the Critical Path Institute, outlined seven simple exercises to use with your parents that can offer significant healing and completion for their life and yours.
While Daniel shared these processes in the context of the impending death of a parent, the reality is that your parents are heading toward death, even if there is no official diagnosis. And starting these processes when mortality is not immediately on the table is even better.
1. Help them make a timeline of their life
Create a timeline of all the big events in their life, starting with birth and their earliest memories up to the present. This is a great way to get to know them even better while you still can. Recalling their life through these stories can help them harvest the gifts, relive the good times, and identify any areas that still feel unresolved.
There are apps for creating timelines, but it is easily done with pen and paper. Create the timeline by writing “birth” on the far left of the page, and draw a horizontal line going towards “death” on the far right. Experiences are placed on the line chronologically in the order they occurred. Positive experiences are depicted as vertical lines going up from the horizontal line, and difficult experiences as lines going down. Write short descriptions to correspond with each experience.
One way to help prompt memories is to ask questions about different people, places, and things from their past: romantic relationships, jobs, and places they lived. Going through old photos, letters, and music can also trigger meaningful memories.
When documenting their life events, the positive experiences can simply be recalled and enjoyed. For the negative ones, you can ask them what they learned from the experience and write that lesson in the description. In this way, you can find beauty and meaning in all of it.
2. Relationship healing
To foster healing in your personal relationship with them, focus on three areas:
● Peacemaking: Forgive them for any way they hurt you, and help them forgive themselves. Apologize for the ways you hurt them. You want to ensure that neither of you feels any residual pain (resentment, guilt, or remorse) in the relationship.
● Appreciation and gratitude: Write them a letter detailing everything you learned from them and all the positive experiences you had together. Go deep within to discover all they did for you, really appreciate it, and use the letter to help them feel your appreciation. Pinpoint any of their virtues you hope to embody most in your life and share that commitment with them, so they know they will live on through you once they are gone.
● Reassurance: It is common for parents to resist leaving you over concerns for your future well-being. Reassure them that you are alright, will be alright, and it is okay for them to go. Using estate planning to help them get their affairs in order is a major part of this.
3. Family healing
If possible, help other family members go through the above healing process with your parents. Help your dying parent make peace with everyone in their life, even if some individuals cannot speak directly with them. Reassure them that you will help take care of those loved ones who are in the most need.
4. Wisdom gathering
Ask them for life advice on anything and everything you can think of. As the old African proverb says, “Every time an old person dies, a library burns,” so make sure to write down or record as much of their personal wisdom as possible.
5. Bucket list
To make the most of the time you have left, ask them if there is anything they really want to experience before they go, and fulfill as many of these bucket-list items as you can.
6. Help them see how they touched the world
In addition to documenting the positive impact they have had on your life, help them inventory all of the meaningful ways they have touched the lives of others. You want them to clearly see all of the beauty and meaning their life has brought to the world.
7. Help them be at peace with passing
While the above steps can help bring them peace, if they experience any fear of death, do your best to help them move through that. When death comes, you want them to be ready to greet her as an old friend.
If they are fond of a particular religion or spiritual practice, you can recite their favorite verses, hymns, and/or prayers. Or they might find comfort in hearing their most beloved poems or songs. Silent or guided meditation is often helpful as well. But sometimes, simply offering them your loving presence and holding their hand is enough.
We are exceedingly grateful to Daniel for sharing these practices. If you would like to share them with friends or family, you can either share this article from us or share Daniel’s note directly here.
Preserving your family's intangible assets
The life stories, lessons, and values that come from these final conversations can be among the most precious of all your family’s assets.
Indeed, legacy planning is so important that we encourage you to select only an attorney who incorporates legacy planning into every estate plan they create. Using a series of helpful questions and prompts similar to the exercises Daniel outlines, you are guided to create a customized recording in which you share your most insightful memories and experiences with those you are leaving behind.
What’s more, you can ensure these life lessons are documented and preserved well before you and/or your loved ones are close to death.
Though estate planning is mainly viewed as a way to pass on your financial wealth and property, when done right, it also enables you to preserve and pass on your true legacy: your memories, values, and wisdom. And it can also be a source of overall healing in the family. With the right support, having these all-important final conversations does not have to be intimidating or awkward at all.
Proper estate planning can keep your family out of conflict, out of court, and out of the public eye. If you’re ready to create a comprehensive estate plan, contact us to schedule your Life and Legacy Planning Session. Even if you already have a plan in place, we will review it and help you bring it up to date to avoid heartache for your family. Schedule online today.